4 Ways to Be a Better Listener

By Nate Desmond

Young Kudu Have you ever wondered why God gave us each two ears but only one mouth? Although the real reason probably has more to do with the fact that two ears makes it possible to triangulate the source of a sound, the Greek Stoic Epicetus nevertheless had a good point. He claimed that, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Whether you are an ancient philosopher, a car mechanic, or a loyal friend, the importance of listening cannot be overestimated. Your ability to listen will change your life and the lives of those you meet. Counter intuitively, the biggest mouth actually does not have the biggest influence.

Follow these steps to become a better listener.

#1 Stop Being a Passive Listener

You have probably heard the saying that “listening is not a passive activity”. While somewhat accurate, that saying is not entirely true. True listening is a very active endeavor, but the activity that most people refer to as listening is most definitely passive.

Rather than spending the time while someone else is talking thinking of your response or, worse yet, considering how to guide the conversation into a channel you would enjoy more, work to really pay attention to your conversation partner. How can you expect them to listen to your carefully planned reply when you are ignoring their words?

#2 Make Natural Eye Contact

Making eye contact vastly increases the value of a conversation by forcing you to ignore surrounding distractions and by making your conversation partner more comfortable. While many of us may feel strange initiating eye contact, studies have shown that proper use of eye contact can make you appear more personable, qualified, trustworthy, and confident.

To obtain these benefits without seeming like a stalker, follow the two ground rules. First, remember that eye contact is based on mutuality. Initiate eye contact boldly, but don’t doggedly maintain it if the recipient is not returning the contact. Second, if eye contact is successfully begun, use it naturally. Unless you are hoping to hypnotize your friend, look away about every five seconds – the length of a normal sentence. Learn more about maintaining good eye contact on this excellent Art of Manliness article.

#3 Encourage Them To Talk

Obvious as it might seem, you cannot be a good listener when you are doing all the talking. When holding a conversation, try to follow the 80/20 rule. Listen eighty percent of the time and talk the other twenty percent. When you do respond, don’t appear too anxious to add your two cents. Instead of instantly cutting in every time they pause for breath, wait two seconds to respond.

As much as possible, try to reply with questions that will guide the conversation in a direction that your friend will enjoy while also forcing them to think. When you are tempted to disagree and voice your opinion on a topic, remember that more minds are changed through well-considered questions than through blunt disagreement.

#4 Genuinely Care

No matter how hard you practice your listening skills, none of them will work if you really just don’t care. Rather than building lasting friendships, you will be remembered as the fabled used car salesman.

Even if you are not naturally interested in the topic that your friend enjoys, look for areas that you both find fascinating and branch out from there. Changing the conversation topic is not a good strategy for a listener, but focusing the conversation on the part that you particularly enjoy is a great way to form a lasting bond while honoring your friend’s intelligence.

How have you benefited from talking to a good listener?

Nate Desmond I'm a Christian young man working on my BSBA in Accounting and writing blog posts in my spare time. I enjoy learning how to do things faster and better... whether through new keyboard shortcuts, world record holding shoelace knots, or motion study.

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